Toronto : A Satirical Retrospect in 3 Parts
1. King St. Robbery Proves a Waste of Time, Everyone a Minimalist
Two suspects were accosted by some red-eyed (read: stoned AF) cops on horses that wouldn’t stop shitting outside of King Street’s newest condo building ‘’The Fair Trade Diamond” this past Monday. The 2 were charged with trespassing and that’s it, because they had nothing on them although they admitted with a shrug that the main intent was a robbery heist and also because -- you know-- the officers were stoned AF.
When asked to empty their pockets, suspect Steven Duschemi produced a Presto card, some kale chips and a debit card with the Tap option. And that’s it. He then threw the Presto card on the floor and cried out, “I don’t even know how to USE one of these things let alone top it the fuck up! None of the machines even WORK! ” Both cops couldn’t really disagree with that point.
After trying a couple of condos within the building they counted their losses and walked right out. Dushemi explains, “Fucking Casper mattresses and coffee decanters aren’t exactly what I call a good haul. Especially when all the mattresses are still within their 100 night free trial.”
The pair also claim that the only furniture they could find were dozens of succulents and cacti and questioned whether it was some kind of cult ritual. Duschemi suffered an injury to his eye when he backed into one of them. But no money.
The scene -- as they described it -- was one of a bleak, sterile hospital-jail hybrid filled with literally nothing. At one point, they questioned whether they were actually in a building where humans live and breathe and not a rat laboratory where they test cancer cells and other horrible things. However, the pair did marvel at the fact that whatever angle they stood, they took a damn good picture for their Instagram and Pinterest accounts.
2. Dufferin Mall Cinnabon Temporarily Closes, Panic ensues
Toronto West’s favourite tongue-in-cheek joke, the Dufferin Mall (also known as Sufferin’ Mall) is facing threats of bankruptcy after news that their main attraction, Cinnabon, will temporarily close for renovations.
Some are blaming their new, threatening ad campaign, ‘’We DOUBLE dare you [to add chocolate,caramel or pecan for $0.69 more]”. The argument being that it’s a classist motto with aggressive overtones that may trigger anxiety. A spokesman from CAMH has yet to comment on the severity and how it’s ultimately damaging to our community but a benefit show featuring bands that don’t believe in vowels is set to raise funds for the victims, regardless. HGHWY, DSCVRY and LCNSPLT will be performing at a tba location.
“Despite the rumors, I can’t stress enough that this is simply a temporary close for routine maintenance of our baking zones. There is no need for alarm”, says Manager Tracy Lee. Regardless, the close will completely throw off any and all of the Bloor West community as Cinnabon is -- allegedly -- the only excuse anyone ever goes there.
“Okay YEA -- so I don’t shop all local and can’t get to organic grocers ALL the fucking time and have to buy food from No Frills sometimes. So fucking sue me. Now I have to actually openly talk about it too with no other excuse?”, says aggravated shopper Stu Rogers.
In recent years Dufferin Mall has become somewhat of an iconic symbol, like Drake. Spoof instagram account ‘’dufferinmallofficial’’ underwent legal conflict and were forced to change their name to ‘’thedirtyduff’’. The main purpose of the account is to drive the point home that Toronto’s young West-enders do NOT support such ‘small town vibes’. Cinnabon’s mere presence was keeping the entire building from completely collapsing in on itself.
‘The Mall With It All’, as it likes to be referred to despite how false the statement is, has been standing since 1970. Mention of the mall is usually met with disdain and disbelief that such a handy shithole still stands erect despite being surrounded by a weekly farmers market and local shops. But the fear of its closure still weighs heavy.
Lizzie Windfall adds, “Say --like-- Canada was The Duff’? Cinnabon would be Toronto and everything else would be Sarnia and some shithole town in Saskatchewan. Without it, why would anyone even bother?” With a hearty sigh, the populace has agreed with this statement and Mark’s Work Warehouse is declared as the next ironic excuse to shop there.
3. New Kombucha Bar To Increase Profit & Energy, Now Accepts Bitcoin
Owners of Toronto’s new-age bar, Kombuchet (pronounced Kum-buck-it) are having a hard time keeping their doors open after a recent hike in property rental fees. After opening its doors just under a year ago in Toronto’s Liberty Village neighbourhood, the business claims it may not see next year. Recent rent increase and a customer base averaging one half-glass per visit has made it increasingly difficult. As a result, they are accepting cryptocurrency Bitcoin as pay. They claim it’s the way of the future
“We figured we’d make as much as any other bar or pub in the city, what gives?” asks owner Dreama ‘’Sunshine’’ McNeil. Well, ‘’what gives’’ is that gaining ‘energy’ by drinking Kombucha isn’t the same as ‘getting tossed and ordering a round for everyone on your credit card’. However, Kombuchet begs to differ saying the cause is that they aren’t tapping into progressive people’s REAL financial means.
Customers are able to walk in, drink, and leave without hassle as long as they wink in the direction of the bartender. Upon exiting, the bartender awaits their bitcoin e-transfer strictly on an honour basis so as not to offend the customer. There are currently no other bars implementing new payment methods and the bar is proud to be the first. The only obstacle is how they will use digital, essentially imaginary money to physically pay rent to 67-year old Russian immigrant Igor Kuznetsov.
Although Kombucha isn’t a drink that’s sold as an alcoholic beverage --- and marketed as strictly a health drink-- it is yeast (and poisonous mushroom) based. If not fermented properly, the mushroom will somewhat give you a buzz. It means you’re being poisoned. But McNeil is trying to focus on the parallels.
Vague and unproven studies indicate healing properties that include literally any ailment you can think of and may render you immortal. At $8 a half-glass, McNeil boasts that you’re literally turning into a bionic humyn for less than $10. She goes on to state, “Why WOULDN’T you buy a round of immortality for all your friends? It’s the way of the future.”
