Drink Your Morning Coffee Before You Check the Internet.

           I bent the left arm down a little lower to make a cupping motion with my fingers. This makes it easier for me to optimize laptop snatch up time. I used physics to do that, you see, so there's that. This is my daily morning routine.

           First things first, I have to refresh Facebook. I'll bitch and moan about every single thing I see on the damn site, yet continue to refresh that fucking newsfeed every Goddamn morning as if someone was making me do it. No one is. 

           I see a post that some idiot posted advocating for some racial bigotry bullshit. He ACTUALLY supports this? He actually supports HIM?! His status had no real relevance to me nor offended me on any personal level, but it's too late. No, he will not go unscathed. He shall feel my wrath. It's okay because as long as we don't see each other, there's no actual threat and it's virtually just a blip on his radar at the end of the day. But I still want him to carry my words with him along the way and to his grave.  

         I think twice about this first human interaction I've had today, but only long enough to check our mutual friends and make sure the right people will or won't see this upcoming confrontation. All clear.  I then hit “Send” after a long, snippy reply. I make sure I use the ''angry face'' emoji when I acknowledge the post. I swear, my finger was just quivering with rage as my mouse gave me the options to pick what emoji best suits this ridiculous status.  

          I put the word ''fuck'' in there but then I took it back out because it seemed risque. Then I put it back in because I am woman. If anyone says anything I'll point out the transparency of their anti-feminist manifesto. I'll do it in a comment just like the one I'm about to post. If it's a feminist I'm dealing with, I'll accuse her of being racist instead. I'm only be worried if she's a coloured person who identifies as queer-friendly, which could pose some threats to my defence tactic.  

          But that was off topic and we're dealing with this particular comment. It was a long comment and one with bite. One of those status replies you make that you think about later in your day for a quick second, and try to recall every triumphant word you wrote.  

         This is where I get up and make my morning coffee. Sanity starts setting in and I start my day. Hours later, I can't find the comment and smugly assume he took down the article/status. I half-smile because that's what Clint Eastwood does when he wins something. In a moment like this he sure would be smiling wide.  

         Later that night I refresh Facebook again, the evening edition. And that's when my heart sinks. My snarky response was not only still there, but on the Facebook wall of someone completely different. This someone had literally no involvement and what's worse, my villain remains loose. It's just so tough being an internet Vigilante these days. In my morning stupor, my cyber-riddled brain short circuited and I told off the wrong guy. I should have called this piece, ''Egg @ Face (book)”.